Title: The Unfortunate Departure of Gwen Cooper
Rating: around PG-PG13
Summary: The team is planning how to kill Gwen and Ianto has a brilliant idea...
Warnings: Gwen bashing but really... it's not a warning here
Disclaimer: nothing belongs to me, if it did Gwen would be dead by now
AN: un-betad so the mistakes are mine and since English is not my first language there must be some.
“Why can’t we just feed her to weevils?” Jack groans.
Toshikos screen shows the internal CCTV feed of Gwen enthusiastically going trough Jacks stuff in the locker room.
“Even the weevils wouldn’t eat her. She tastes horrible trust me, I know” Owen grimaces and Toshiko pats his shoulder sympathetically.
“Are those your boxers?” she mumbles horrified and Jack bangs his head against the table.
“Tell me again why I hired her?”
“Suzie shot you trough the head. I hoped it caused some temporary disability of common sense because if you hired her on your right mind… this is a risky job Jack. I can’t work for a man who is an idiot” Owen comments.
“Ha-ha” Jack mumbles against the table.
It faintly tastes like soapy kind of lemon which means that Ianto didn’t go home yesterday but stayed behind to clean. Usually Jack loves his work ethic (mostly because he greatly enjoys the younger mans company after hours) but after yet another day of redoing tens of Gwens reports the poor man really deserves a typo free night.
As they keep watching how Gwen rudely breaks every known law of privacy in their locker room each of them try to make up a good, neat plan to get rid of her. At first it had been great to work with her. She was pretty, oh so interested in everything they said and so concerned about their wellbeing. It had been refreshing until she all of a sudden realized that she and Jack were meant for each other, she knew everything worth of knowing, that everyone else was on the lower level of evolution than she is and that she’s the humble saviour of humanity and no one can understand emotions like she does. Slowly working with her became a burden, especially for Jack who had to keep her alive on field (even though lately he has started to loosen that rule) and for Ianto who has to do her other duties because she thinks she’s above the ordinary paperwork.
“Next time when a hostile alien comes trough the rift can we please agree on no one shoving her aside when it tries to slit her throat?” Owen asks and Tosh nods.
She had done that the last time but she can say to her defence that it had been accidental. She had tripped on a field kit Gwen threw to the ground when she rushed to ‘reason with the poor mistaken beast’ and fell against Gwens back saving her life in the process.
“We understand that you can’t do anything to her because obviously you can’t kill her and if you retcon her she will just come back more annoying than ever. But just ignore our actions and if we manage to eliminate her just report it as an accident. The government, Glasgow branch or UNIT don’t have the courage to argue against you” she softly tells but Owen snorts.
“Oh those pompous bastards have the courage to go against the boss here but they know it’s no use.”
“I want to get rid of her soon” Jack mumbles. “I’m worried about Ianto. She pushes all her work to him and orders him around like he’s a maid or something.”
“Well teaboy is our bloody maid” Owen shrugs. “But what about me? I have to see her everyday and remember how I shagged her. That’s not very nice at all.”
“Ianto is not our maid” Jack scowls, his forehead still resting against the table.
“Well, he has a feather duster.”
“And he also happens to control your coffee” the familiar, dry Welsh voice says behind them and Jack immediately snaps his head up.
“Oh you are a life saver Ianto Jones” he smirks with an appreciative look to brand new suit.
“I aim to please” Ianto answers with a hint of a smile. “I heard you planning Gwens unfortunate departure and I thought that coffee might help your thought process.”
“Thanks” Tosh warmly says. “You have any less obvious ideas to get rid of her than feeding her to weevils?”
“A few actually. It’s a wonder how many mean things cross your mind when you correct grammar.”
“Well then, enlighten us with your superior knowledge” Owen sneers.
“Very well. At first I thought it would be ideal to convince her to use hairstraightener near the water tower and the basin and then accidentally push her just a little bit but then I considered the down sides. The scent of electrocuted flesh is bugger to get out from the air.”
“That’s true” Jack nods and Owen hits him to shut him up.
“So then I of course considered the obvious which meant feeding her to weevils but then I felt a sudden bang of sympathy towards Janet so my next option was just poisoning her coffee. Not with something obvious of course - something that takes time to affect.”
“Oh that’s good, I like that” Jack grins with shining eyes.
“Not bad teaboy” Owen agrees.
“I’m not finished yet” Ianto answers them. “But the thing with poison is that if she starts to have seizures when she’s home Rhys will ship her to hospital and the toxin scan would reveal something and someone might accidentally find a cure. Of course we could use something alien but then the hospital would probably contact other hospitals and in the worst case us, Glasgow or even UNIT. And we don’t want that.”
“Definitely not” Tosh says.
“But then I realized that I have been overestimating her from the very beginning. I decided that it’s no use to treat her like an evil mastermind which she can’t be because usually those evil masterminds are educated enough to know the difference between ’though’ and ’thought’ and when to use ’which’ instead of ’witch’. And she sometimes spells ’with’ w-h-i-t” Ianto explains and Tosh grimaces. “Oh yeah, I’m not kidding. So when I took her IQ into consideration I limited my options to three. One: just wait until she gets herself killed on the field while trying to comfort killer aliens that are so far from home. Two: hand her a deadly artefact and ask her to examine it for Jack. Three: convince her that I read from the unpublished number of Vogue that barbeque sauce does miracles to your hair.”
“I could kiss you” Jack smiles leaning closer to Ianto on his seat.
“I have no doubt that you could” the younger man smirks. “The thing is whether I would let you or not.”
“Can you wait until we go out until you do that?” Owen asks with a long suffering sigh.
“No” Jack says brightly.
“I think we were talking about how to kill Gwen and listening Iantos brilliant options” Tosh reminds them with an amused smile.
“I personally like the third option” Ianto helps them. “The first one is way too slow since Gwen is already sniffing Jacks boxers, the second one might be a bit boring but the last one would offer us a nice show. Just imagine her head in Myfanwys maw…”
“Oh yeah… totally worth of the mess” Owen agrees.
“I’m just wondering… could you really go and read the next, unpublished number of Vogue?” Jack asks sounding maybe a bit too interested about the idea.
“Of course I could” Ianto answers just like he goes and reads the unpublished fashion magazines everyday.
Maybe he does, who knows what that man hides underneath the suits.
“Well I’m just wondering is Gwen really so stupid that she would believe that” Tosh says. “Barbeque sauce and Myfanwy are pretty well known combination, even for her.”
Owen gives her a look and Jack rolls his eyes much like Ianto does.
“She confuses ‘which’ and ‘witch’ together. She is that stupid” Ianto answers her and after a brief glance at Jack rolls his eyes too.
“So… we have a plan?” Tosh whispers noticing how Gwen is leaving the locker room (and stashing Jacks boxers to her purse).
“We have a plan” Jack confirms.